I thought i'd post my most recent english essay for you to look at. If you have any ideas let me know! Thanx guys xxx


A New Leaf

Why? That’s all I have to ask, why. Why is it that there are selfish people in this mucked up planet who take advantage of their good fortune and keep it all to themselves whole other helpless souls like me suffer in the cold, dark world fighting off evil in their minds? Many people couldn’t take this kind of pressure, especially us teenagers. I have to deal with so many things that sometimes I lose track and everything goes haywire, and eventually so do I. Perhaps most teenagers have this kind of experience and those who don’t are the lucky ones. The dead ones. No body wants to encounter the evil that dwells in the corners of their head, because they might find themselves following its cynical ideas like a mesmerized sailor to the melody of a mermaid’s song.

It all began on a Wednesday morning. Everything was going wrong. I’d failed my prelims, got caught slashing a pigeon down the back of the school and somehow got suspended. To make things worse, they had called my mum to come and pick me up from the school. As I was sitting there outside the head teacher’s office, everyone who passed me threw me a look of absolute hatred.
<What are you looking at? > <Was he looking at me…he better not be or I’ll go over there and claw his eyes out> A red headed girl with an ugly bucktoothed smile glared at me threw her glasses. <What are you staring at you revolting toothed asshole…I’ll knock your lights out if you keep doing it…stop it. Stop looking at me! > Why were they all staring at me? < Here you…why aren’t you looking at me? Look at me you> I guess those who didn’t glare at me with revulsion just plain ignored me. Obviously I couldn’t have cared less. My thoughts were in another place…I think. I think I was thinking about what to tell my mum, I didn’t know if she could take another upset. She came eventually and we walked out of the school with her in front. I hadn’t thought of what to say to her yet, so I trailed slowly behind. Staring at the ground. We waited at the bus stop in the pouring rain and she lit a soggy Mayfair, her vile chapped lips inhaling the smoke furiously like a fat assed dragon. The 37 finally arrived after fifteen minutes of silence except her exasperating wheezing. The engine spluttered. We did not say anything to each other the whole journey home and the silence began to drive me crazy, but I didn’t dare break it. If I got the fat cow started she would never stop and I wasn’t in the mood for her gas bagging about how worthless and selfish I was.
Finally she did and I was like “oh shit.”

But her voice was cracked. Apparently she had been fired from her job, again. I knew the reason too; she was always late because she had to take care of my little sister. She had to make her breakfast in the morning (lame excuse I think, how long does it take to pour a bowl of coco pops?), she had to get her ready for nursery and get two buses to the other side of the city. Once on the other side of the city she had a ten-minute walk I think to the playgroup and then the office she worked in. Well, cleaned. It was supposed to be my job since my dad had left but I couldn’t care less about my sister. All she did was whine and take up space. She stole my CD’s and makeup and ruined them. She was a brat. A bitch. A good for nothing pain in the backside. Just because she was born with one leg doesn’t give her the right to hog all the attention.
“You are so selfish. All you care about is yourself and your life; no one else seems to matter to you. You don’t give a shit about the rest of us. After all our family has been through I thought you would grow up and be a bit more helpful, but no. You’re still a selfish, lazy troublemaker.” She began to cry. She always did this. Whenever my mum wanted to make me feel guilty, the waterworks would come on. It didn’t ever work though, all it ever did was make her look hideously unattractive as she snorted and wailed like a blubbering whale. “What am I going to do with you?” She sobbed. I couldn’t be bothered with her spectacle anymore, she was making a fool of herself with her huffing and puffing, never mind making me look like a freak show in front of all those people on the bus.

I got off at the next possible stop and started to walk home. She made no effort to stop me. On the walk, I started thinking, about a lot of things really. School, my teachers, Mister hot pants who sat in front of me in Maths, and unintentionally I thought of my Dad. The thought of him made my blood boil. He’d left my mother last year because I was supposedly too much trouble. Me? Personally I think he was overreacting, he probably had a bit on the side and used me as an excuse to leave. They had been arguing for ages. One time during an over heated argument I was told to get out the house. I decided I would go out to the park with my friends and get some cider but I had no money on me. The following morning I came home still drunk after stealing money from their family savings box…it was the final straw. That stupid prick! What did he expect me to honestly do? They told me to get out the house, I needed money-it kind of seemed like a fair deal to me. Since then though, I felt something missing in my life. There was no permanent father figure in the family, just those damn drunks that Mum brought home.

I looked up and saw that the house was in front of me and as I walked through the door the usual smell of smoke, dirty laundry and urine filled the atmosphere and my lungs. After my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, I saw my little sister sitting on the floor with her face, fingers, arms and stump plastered in chocolate. The living room stank of dog piss and Sam, the family Alsatian, sat in the corner whining. I guessed all this would be made out to be my fault once my mum came home. I would have been the one supposed to have let the dog out and collect my sister from nursery. “ If you had have just let Sam out this morning before you went to school, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I would probably still have a job if you had taken Peggy to nursery and we’d all be okay if you pulled your head out of your ass and started to think of the other people in this family,” I could hear her ear splitting tone right now and I could visualise her face glowing red with rage. A wave of anger swarmed through me like a wildfire and I knocked over my little sister and ran into my room. I locked the door and just collapsed on my bed crying and beating my pillows as if it would help. After I calmed down, I began to think again.

If I wasn’t around, then my family wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of my mistakes. Everyone would be better off without me. Actually, I wondered if they would even miss me or notice I was gone. It was settled. I would find a way to rid my family of their supposed problem, me. I thought of improving my ways but I was just too bloody lazy to do so. Therefore I decided to take the hard and courageous way out, suicide. I know it was the wrong thing to think of but let me tell you something in this situation it felt like the only thing I could do. Everyone was making me out to be the bad guy, whereas I was the one who was suffering most. Apparently, I had let down my mum and sister, and this hurt because I loved them both dearly. Well, now and again when I could be bothered loving them. My little sister could be a pain but she was sometimes quite cute with her stumpy little waddle and that somewhat peculiar hamster smell she had. It hurt me to know how much pain I caused her every time I poked fun at her leg or knocked her over. I could hear her crying downstairs. My mum was probably cuddling her. She never cuddled me anymore. Tight, frigid old cow.

The rest of the night, I wanted to think of ways to bring forth my demise. At first I wanted to cut my wrists but we didn’t have any silverware, we couldn’t afford any. Then I wanted to drown myself in the river just down the road, but it was too shallow and it was rusty and brown with trolleys and boots dumped in it, so I didn’t fancy that idea too much. I thought of electrocution but we had no power since the bills weren’t paid. Just when I was about to give up, I remembered the rope next to the house. You know what I was thinking. It seemed long enough and strong enough and we had a big tree in my garden that had been there forever. There used to be a rope swing on it and my dad and I used to play there in the long, hot summers when there used to be no clouds in the sky and the air smelled of grass and barbeques and the birds sang, before he left of course. I decided to go for it. I stayed awake until everyone fell asleep. After I heard my Mum’s last crying moans, I jumped out of bed and out the back door, trying not to wake anyone up.

I slung the rope around my shoulder and began to climb, until I got to the biggest branch and stood upright. I could see into my mum’s bedroom window and she appeared to be fast asleep and snoring. I used to climb this tree when I was younger and sit whenever I got tired of my life and I would watch other people go through theirs as you could see into my neighbours gardens for about five houses down. Thrusting my shoulder forward, I caught the rope in my hand. To the thickest part of the branch I tied one end and the other I slipped around my neck. I took one last glance at my house. I wondered if my mum would cry? How many people would mourn for me? They better be grateful for me doing this just so I can put them out of their misery. My house began to move skyward and I realized I had jumped. Suddenly, there was a sharp snap, and then an excruciating pain went through my neck. I had done it I thought, I’m dead, but I felt the moist grass underneath me. Opening my eyes I saw the maze of branches above me. I rolled over and saw that the branch I had tied the rope to had snapped and fallen on me. “Stupid”, muttering to myself I got up to try again but as I did, I saw a light. Obviously not a house light nor was it the headlight of a car, but a light inside of me. I hadn’t died because I wasn’t supposed to. I was still needed here. With that, I limped back to my bed and fell asleep with a smile on my face knowing that in the morning everything would be different. I would make a fresh start, turn over a new leaf to be a better daughter, sister and an all round human being.

* Sigh *

Wouldn’t it be great if it was a happy ending like that? Guess what? Welcome to reality! Do you really think I would give up so easily right there and then and turn over a new leaf? Hell no! Now that I said that, you probably know what happened then. If you don’t, then I’ll tell you. After I had climbed the tree for the second time, I took the rope and tied it to the branch and flung it over the branch above as an extra safety. So if one broke, the other would still do the trick. Then, instead of doing any of that dramatic crap I just jumped. I felt the rough rope dig into my neck and isolate my lungs from the air around me. Then, everything started to go black; it all sort of just faded. All the world’s darkness filled my surroundings and it blended with the darkness inside of me and then. I never woke up.

* Sighedy sigh *

Wake up people. Have you ever heard of a dead corpse who lived to tell the tale? Just as I thought, no. It made a good story ending though didn’t it? I never actually made it outside that night to perform my bold ending. It had begun to rain and I really couldn’t be bothered getting myself wet for the satisfaction of others. The others who had caused me to think of all these thoughts. I decided to stay in my bed and be toasty warm with my diary and write my thoughts down. Why should I change being the person I am because some people disagree? Ok so I hurt people during the course of my actions but so what…live with it yeah?